I really wish someone would come along and knock the “AP Movement” off its high horse.
There are some really great ideas behind Attachment Parenting. The principles as defined by the infamous Dr. Sears are:
- Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
- Feed with Love and Respect
- Respond with Sensitivity
- Use Nurturing Touch
- Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
- Provide Consistent Loving Care
- Practice Positive Discipline
- Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
Awesome. Brilliant. Who could argue? Sign me up. Koom-by-yah. These principles of Attachment Parenting are founded on a core tenet of attachment theory which says that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for normal social and emotional development.
How we get from these basic fundamental concepts to the holier-than-thou attitudes of some self-proclaimed ‘AP’ers’ – absolutely confounds me. With particular emphasis on the topics of vaccinations, circumcision, and yes you guessed it – the all ambiguous, ‘Cry It Out’.
Because I really hate feeling as though there is no acknowledgment of a parenting style that evolves uniquely of its own thoughtful and deliberate consideration of the myriad of decisions parents will make on behalf of their children. I believe, I really truly believe, that most mothers and fathers and caregivers, are doing their very best to love, and nurture, and provide for their babies.
I just wish that the conversations surrounding the AP ‘way’ would have more to do with those core beliefs and less with suggesting neglect and a lack of compassion by the parents that would chose any other way. A less outraged at the evildooerz tone would be helpful. It feels a bit cultish. A bit damning. But mostly annoying with its constant ANTI/PRO-xyz, dialogue. Tell me more about what AP IS, not what it ISN’T. Why are we all so preoccupied with eachothers parenting business? Might there be a more productive way for AP supporters to promote and communicate the aspects of attachement that work for them WITHOUT the preaching? I feel like the language alienates so many women, because god forbid you may have done otherwise.
I don’t care for the statistics. I don’t care about the studies. I am your peer. A mother. Who needs not the judgement or criticism of other mothers, because I am doing the best for my family. I am just blown away by the confidence – the righteousness of anyone proclaiming to know of a single glowing path to healthy children and healthy parenting. It just doesn’t exist. And the sooner we can begin to appreciate and respect the desire in the MAJORITY for the same end result, the sooner we can accept diversity in parenting.
It took 13 excruciating weeks of breastfeeding before the hole in my nipple finally started to close up, my oversupply began to regulate, and I could finally nurse my child without a tremendous amount of stress and pain. I had a baby that was hard to console and an incredibly light sleeper. At almost 5 months of rock bottom sleep deprivation something had to give for our family. For my health. And because I was not able to be a loving mother for my son in those dark hours of sheer exhaustion. We let him cry. In fact, he cried (no more than he had prior actually) for months. But he also very rarely ever cried for longer than 10 or 15 minutes. And you know what? I nursed my baby twice a night until he was 10 months old. He was never wet, hungry, or sick when he cried. We believed nighttime is for sleep. And sleep is what we all needed foremost in order to have the capacity for love and attention all the day long. It wasn’t easy, but it was what we believed was right for us.
I cloth diapered for a year. We chose not to circumsize. We vaccinate on a delayed schedule. I never EVER had even the potential for a ‘co-sleeper’ in my son. It wasn’t in the cards even if it was something we desired to do. And it wasn’t. We moved him into a crib in his own room when he was 4 months old. He had blobs of rice cereal from my finger when he was 5 months old. He went straight into fruits and veggies and eats just about anything we put in front of him (and dont) at 16 months.
I love my boy. I tell him I love him 5,000 times a day! We read together, and cook, and explore the wonders of nature (and diggers) – we sing, and dance, and give eachother eskimo kisses. We think we are both pretty funny as a matter of fact. He laughs at me, I laugh at him. We are friggin hysterical! He wakes up happy, and naps, and goes to sleep happy. Sleep is never a battle for us. When he wakes in the night, now that he is weaned and far from ‘sleep training’, I go to him. We share hugs, and he goes back to sleep right away. He is independent and content enough to play on his own at times, his vocabulary is pretty impressive, and he is a pretty happy guy!
I’ll take credit for that, thankyouverymuch. Whatever our style, it seems to be working out for us. Could do with a little less judgement from that collective AP group about the kind of insecure, unattached child I might be producing though. I know its not personal, but it sure feels like it.
I’ve got an idea! How about we all talk a little more about ways we can be more present, patient, and loving to our children AND our partners and spouses – while taking care of our own mental and emotional health. It’s a pretty tough (and yet THE MOST rewarding) job. Some of my closest friends are devout followers of AP Parenting methods. I have always appreciated that our differences of opinion have never kept us from learning from one another. We have a deep and genuine respect for eachothers choices and our friendships are rooted by the fact that we are all imperfect yet well-intentioned women who want nothing more than for our children to feel loved. Period.
Zen Found 
Great post! I agree wholeheartedly. Early on I got into researching parenting styles, etc, but got to where I had to stop. Some things worked for us, some things didn’t and in the end, every child is different. Some are more sensitive than others; some are more clingy; some more independent. I never cared much one way or another how other parents went about teaching their child to love, express emotion, and basically get along as a new little person in this big world. I’ve tried sleep training a number of times, but the fact is, Victoria just needs that quiet 10 or 15 minutes of being held or rocked before she feels calm and content enough to fall off to sleep.
Our sleep routine is about 45 minutes (if you include the bath) and getting her to bed by 7:30 hasn’t been much of an issue so long as we’re strict with the bedtime. She’s gradually getting to where she sleeps from 7:30p to 6am in her crib, and even though I let her spend the next hour dozing in our bed before hubby goes to work, she seems to be happy and independent as any non-co-sleeping baby. Like I said, I tried sleep training; it just didn’t work for us. So we found a middle ground where she only co-sleeps for the last hour of the night.
Every mom and pop knows their little one better than anyone else. Learn tips and tricks, for sure, and try things out. Parents need to trust their instincts rather than relying on a Infant Help Guide. 🙂 How many of our moms warned us: “They don’t come with a manual!”
Glad to hear you guys are doing great. Take care,
Amy
pastor zen, thank you for another great message to the church of the internet – I 100% agree with you in every way. I am glad you can be confident in your parenting styles and I am so glad it works for you. I think that is ultimately what it comes down too…if you are comfortable with how your parenting- your child will be too…because just like dogs, kids can sense unsureness and fear.
Are you reading forums again? 😉 Stop. Put the internet away.
no – FB actually. it gets me so worked up!!!
ha! i have thoughts, but should probably share them in person. mainly, i think we all have our lines in the sand and it’s not necessarily fair to take that away from people — not to say that i agree with everyone’s lines or ways of expressing their views, of course, but i’m comfortable with mine and okay with the fact other people will almost certainly have theirs. sounds like it’s time to block some fb’ers 😉
im not interested in taking away anyone’s voice. i just wish there were a way for us all to reinforce those ‘lines’ that we share publicly without being so critical of others. im not perfect, and im sure i’m just as guilty of this as the next – im just saying it’s really unproductive. and i think you are right…
yes. i agree. the public part is the part that’s new and weird and hasn’t yet been figured out…i mean, facebook and forums and the internet are SO new and motherhood is SO old. middle ground needs to be negotiated for sure, but it’ll probably see-saw for awhile, eh?
Was this because I posted on facebook that I finally got Oliver to sleep without crying? We had to find a way of doing it with no-crying because he throws up if he cries for more than a few minutes…. and then keeps throwing up and throwing up. We tried the whole crying out method, kept mopping up sick, and 2 hours later he was still bawling.
Here’s the deal: I’ve never read a parenting book up until a couple of weeks ago when I only read one chapter in a sleep book. I’ve never read forums either, but do ask friends what to do. All the advice I got on various methods sucked for us as they didn’t work, so I made up our own method. That’s how I got him to sleep. Without any puke. I never once said that crying it out was bad (we tried it, didn’t work out for us), I just had to do what worked for our son which was to be near him and not let him cry and make sure his tummy stayed full so he wouldn’t wake up upset and hungry. I’d actually never even heard the term “attachment parenting’ until my son was 14 months old and never even read the principles of it until a couple of minutes ago when I read your post.
You’re lucky that you have a child who goes to sleep. My son, in his whole 19 months of life has NEVER willingly gone down for a nap no matter how hard I’ve tried. It sucks.
no v – it wasn’t you 😉
I want to give you hope Virginia! My second boy at 23 1/2 months finally “got it” and will go to sleep on his own (sometimes). It feels like a miracle. I used my friends trick of saying things like “I’m going to go do the dishes and come back when you’re asleep to check on you”…sometimes at the most unlikely time and at the most unlikely age it just clicks. With my older one we didn’t “find his currency” until later (2.75 or 3?) — he wanted to pick his nose and I said I wouldn’t lay with him if he was picking his nose and he finally said “i think you should go downstairs and I’ll go to sleep on my own”.