At some point in time, some Italian HAD to have crept into my family’s cracker-ass-white-American blood line.

I come to this conclusion after spending an hour in the tub performing my bi-weekly yogi exercises.   They are necessary, so that I may reach my nether regions with a razor.  I try to go as long as I can, but usually am only able to get away with a week or so.  On a good day, I can extract the hair equivalent in volume, to a very small cat.  Sometimes I forget to wash the tub good, and it really freaks Zack out.

You see.  If someone had been kind enough to inform me, at 12 when I began this absurd ritual, that every place I shaved away my beautiful, young, wispy blondish hairs, would grow back an ugly, BLACK, porcupine’ish, destined-to-become-a-permanent-INGROWN-on-the-back-of-my-leg-hair, I would have NEVER shaved in the first place and my husband would have just had to have gotten over it.

But I never got the memo.  I shaved away all those hairs.  You would have thought by college, I would have remembered this fact, while stumbling upon some of those wispy blondish hairs on the fringes of my ASS.  You know, about where the bikini line hits?  I thought to myself ‘We can’t have blonde wispy hairs on the butt!  OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!’.  And I gingerly shaved my ass.

Two weeks later, to my horror, they started coming back.  BLACK.  I had traded potentially cute PEACH FUZZ, for BLACK pubes on my rear.  Awesome.

Fast forward a few years later.  I decide to WAX the back of my arms.  Who wants hair on the back of their arms?  Guess what comes back?   More pubes.  Pubes I have to pluck from now and for the rest of my life because, well, to keep my arm from looking like a vagina!

I have watched a porn or two, or 20 in my life (although I have been pretty much porn-free for the last 3 years), and I have NEVER seen ASS HAIR???  And it pisses me off, because you know, my ass would look pretty fucking great zoomed in if I got regular ASS WAXES too!!!  I want to see a hair.  Just ONE.  A random butt hair.  That would make me feel good about myself.

I won’t mention the other places I get hair.  Because I don’t think you could handle that.  But I’ll tell you what.  I spend more time plucking positioned like Yogi man up there, than is healthy.  It’s ridiculous.  And what the hell am I going to do when I get pregnant?

All I’m saying is, every place on my body that I have plucked a harmless blonde hair has come back black.  And that’s crap.  And why did I ever shave ALL THE WAY up the backs of my legs???  That wasn’t necessary.  Now I get in-growns like you wouldn’t believe. They make me crazy.  And after 15 minutes with my head in between my legs, I get all dizzy, and frustrated…and I just want to run for the Amazon.

All of this for my priveledged husband.  One time he walked in on me with one leg straight up next to my head, like cats do when they lick their butts?, and I saw the horror in his face.  He hasn’t looked at me the same since.


Advertisements